I Am Not Broken, I Need Not Be Fixed

Today I met a friend for dinner at a little bar in a nearby town. Once we found our table (one out of about 10), we settled in and started chatting.

She asked how my life was going and I was sharing the story of how I was reconnecting with a man that I had met a couple of years ago and all that we had been through in the time we had known each other. I explained how we had dated on and off over a rough period of time where I had gone to treatment for PTSD and was recovering from anorexia. I think I mentioned recovering from codependency in the conversation as well.

My friend looked across the table with the most loving and soulful eyes and told me:

“You have got to stop explaining yourself by using these labels… You are well Haley.  There is nothing about you that needs to be fixed, there is nothing about you that is broken. You are beautiful, and whole, and well. 

Doctors and people put all these labels on you to explain your pain but what really is going on is that you are in pain… and anyone would be if they had come through what you have.

But you are not broken. It is a miracle that you, after going through the horrendous things that you’ve been, are actually EMPOWERING other women so they can have better lives.

YOU are not broken, you are well.”

I cried, right there in the restaurant, I cried. 

For as long as I can remember, I have been told that I was “off” or “a little off kilter” or “fat”, “lazy”, “conceited”, “mopey”, “selfish”, “embarrassing”, “stupid”, “foolish”, you name it, I’ve been labeled it. 

I’ve been the “identified patient” of my family my whole life and trying to break from that is almost harder on my family than it is on me! 

So to hear her so directly tell me that I am NOT broken and that I do NOT need to be fixed may not have been new, but it must have been the perfect time and the perfect place because it hit me at the perfect spot in my heart and I actually heard her.

It confirmed what I already knew and have been trying to convince people of lately. It felt like God Himself reached down and spoke right through her to my heart so that I knew that:

I am not broken

I am not in need of fixing

I am in pain

I am human

I have overcome incredible odds

It is by the grace of God alone that I am still standing.
I am here to tell YOU the same.

YOU are not broken.

YOU do not need to be fixed.

YOU are made beautifully and wonderfully.

You feel pain, and that is okay, but that doesn’t make you bad, it makes you human.

You are a gift.

Love you all,

Haley

The Empowered Coach

I’M MOVING AND YOU’RE INVITED!!

Hey Friends and Fans of HJS (http://haleyjsnyder.com) aka not Words of Wellness (yet),

I have decided to upgrade from a wordpress.com site to a self hosted wordpress.org site!!!

The difference between sites is just that this one is http://haleyjsnyder.com, and my new site is http://www.haleyjsnyder.com (and is called Words of Wellness).

I’ve made this decision for a multitude of reasons, some of which being that I am growing as a business, being self hosted gave me a bunch of other resources, and I have a wider array of opportunity to serve you to the best of my ability!!!

If you would still like to follow me (which I would love because I love my community!), I’m going to make it really easy on you!  I’ve transferred all of my followers over, but because of your privacy and WordPress policies, this means that I will only show up in your WordPress Reader, not in your email (unless you originally gave me express permission to use your email address).

If you would still like to receive emails when I create posts, you have two options, you can choose one or the other, or both:

You can follow Words of Wellness the blog itself which will give you an email each time I post new content.

• Click here, scroll down just a bit and then enter your email.
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AND/OR You can sign up for my newsletter which is sent out each Friday.  I include great new content each week to encourage and uplift you, as well as all of the links to the posts that I had written during the week.  If you would like to opt-in for the newsletter, simply enter your email address below:

Subscribe to the Words of Wellness Newsletter

Again, not much has changed, I just reorganized a bit – I’m still the same me, same writer, same passionate person.  I hope you join me as I continue my journey in mental health advocacy, authoring, and general ‘doing life’.

~Haley

Buttoned Up

So, for all intents and purposes, today is the last day of the business year for me.  Tomorrow starts the Christmas season, and it flows beautifully into the much anticipated Onething 2015 conference that spans the week before the New Year.

I have been working very hard over the past couple of weeks to button up 2015 by assessing my writing goals, finishing what I could, and then planning the first couple of weeks of 2016.  Not only did I do that, I also buttoned up one of the most emotionally and spiritually exhausting writing projects that I have ever embarked on.

Over the last year and a half, I have been working on writing my trauma story from birth until age 30.  This involved hours of staring at blank pages while experiencing crippling flashbacks, going through bouts of depression and vivid nightmares, the development of fibromyalgia, and ultimately reaching the catharsis that I had been seeking for years.  During the process, I worked through the experiences and emotions with an amazing therapist and really dove into my faith walk which is what made the process possible.

It started when I went to treatment in August of 2014 for PTSD.  My assignment for the therapist was to write an outline of the trauma that I experienced at the hands of my ex-husband.  That exercise expanded to creating a line graph of the ages at which I experienced different traumas, which then sparked the idea that narrative therapy may be the key to releasing the pain – as I am a writer after all.

Thus started the journey of writing, pen to paper, my trauma story.  That process took almost exactly one year.  I then started to enter it into my computer, but this time I added the good memories of my life as well in order to give a more accurate shape to my life – AND THEN IT HIT ME!  I would write my second book as a ‘fiction’ story of my life.  It would be my story, BUT, I would write myself as the heroine, showing, realistically, that there IS life on the other side of trauma and the diagnosis that are the result.  God kind of ‘drops’ these ideas in my head from time to time along with the title of the book, and they are generally epic.  I’m pretty excited if you can’t sense that.

Anyway, yesterday, I finished entering my factual life story into my computer – a major feat – something that I felt was VERY worthy of celebrating.  I felt a major catharsis, almost as if my pain and suffering had been justified, as if I had finally been heard, as if the trauma was finally released.

I now get to rewrite my story.  What an amazing opportunity – one that every person can do.  It is literally a shift in perspective, one that I fought hard for, that I put my blood, sweat, and tears into, and that I am worthy of creating.

My mom called me a warrior today – I am a warrior – and so are you.  How are you going to button up 2015 by realizing your warrior spirit?  Where have you dominated, succeeded, or finished strong in this last year?  Give yourself credit for your successes, you are worth it.

~H

Perfect Timing

Here I am, at a coffee shop (shocker!) writing my trauma story in preparation for the next phase of my upcoming book.  I am in a particularly frustrating part that is gut-wrenching and is making me physically nauseous.

As I am noticing the sensations in my body, and yearning for a break, I notice that in the background, the instrumental station I am listening to is playing none other than “Titanium”!!

If you haven’t heard the lyrics before, they go “Shoot me down, but I won’t fall, I am titanium.”  It goes on to say “I am bulletproof!”

Sometimes, songs are there at just the perfect time, and today I am thanking God for the reminder that I am stronger than I think, smarter than I realize, and more tenacious than I give myself credit for… and so are YOU!!!

If you are going through a difficult time, or a hard memory, remember, you have made it this far, you are TITANIUM!!! You are strong, incredible, a force to be reckoned with!  Stand in the power that you are made to live in!  I believe in you!

~H

I Am Woman, Hear Me… meow

So, I was in water aerobics this morning – before you laugh, know that it is not just splashing around with a bunch of 80 year-olds… the instructor really works us!  I also love hanging around with ‘mature’ women – they have so much to offer in the confidence and wisdom department! Actually, if I’m to be totally honest, I cannot do land workouts right now because I am dealing with some chronic pain, which is exacerbated by my weight.  The water relieves the pressure on my muscles and research shows that you can get a comparable workout in the water, so there ya go.

When I came into class this morning, I was feeling a little insecure about my weight and ended up getting into a conversation with the instructor about her weight loss journey.  I mentioned that I used to be a very sassy, independent, confident, take-on-the-world type of woman; but since the weight gain, I feel that I have lost some of my ‘mojo’.

Now, how did I decide that I lost some of my ‘mojo’?  I took a bit of an inventory lately and realized that I live in yoga pants and tee-shirts, I am in front of the TV from 7-10pm almost every night, and it is pretty rare that I solicit my friends to go out anywhere other than a coffee shop for an hour once a week.  IM 31!!  I used to get ready every morning, have an agenda, engage in at least 2 social events a week, and limit TV time in favor of home improvement stuff or self care activities. 

I understand that life ebbs and flows, and there are seasons, but for me to go from “I AM WOMAN HEAR ME ROAR!!” to “I am woman hear me (yawn) meow” is a sign that I have gotten off track somewhere.

Back to the conversation with the instructor.  She said that she saw the confidence bubbling inside me and I just needed to ROAR again.  Then after class I saw this meme:

I have been waiting to lose weight to do the things that make me feel like the best, most vivacious version of myself.  I was reminded that I am me regardless of my weight.  I am a strong, beautiful, independent, intelligent, confident, sassy, take-on-the-world type of woman every day because that is who I was made to be!!

While I have been in recovery from anorexia for 5 years, I still struggle with body image issues and confidence issues like any other person.  Lately, I have allowed my body size to dictate how I relate to life.  That is absolutely NOT okay.

SO – in an act of defiance and an outward demonstration of my resilience, I am going to dress up to the nines on Friday night and go out with one of my best friends.  I am going to enjoy my life because I am alive, I am beautiful inside and out, and this life that we have is short and fragile.

I’m done waiting until things are perfect to live my life.

The time is NOW.

I am woman, hear me ROAR!

~H

Tell me, have you ever lost your mojo?  What did you do to get it back?  If you just realized that you have misplaced yours, what are you going to do to find it?  I’d love to hear your thoughts!