The Resolution Trap

Last week I went to Kansas City for one of my family Christmases and it was a great time.  Of course it was not void of the normal family drama, but what is a family get together without a little spice, right?  The great thing about going to Kansas City for me is that I get 7 hours in the car, which for some sounds like torture, but for me, it’s bliss.  I get a lot of time to listen to whatever I want, sing, and think.  This trip, I was pondering the passing 2015 and the upcoming 2016.

As I thought of 2015, I was underwhelmed.  I felt like I was complacent, undisciplined, and generally unproductive.  Whomp Whomp.  I guess this pessimistic attitude is what kicked me in the rear and inspired me to make real goals for this next year.  I started to think of the things that I wanted to accomplish, in my health, business, writing, relationships, lifestyle, etc.  HOLY OVERWHELMING BATMAN!!!  So, when I got home, I printed out some worksheets and started to sort it all out, then prioritize the goals from short term to long term and everything in between.

Yesterday I went to therapy (I assert that everyone should see a therapist at some point in their life whether or not they have a mental illness, but that is another post completely) and I told her about my renewed motivation and my lists of goals and plans for 2016.  She was excited for me, but knowing who I am, she asked what happens if it doesn’t go exactly to plan… I kind of froze and said… “Um, not sure.”  So we chatted a bit about the rigidity of my goals and then she threw a whammy at me:

You talk like 2015 was a bust… you accomplished more in 2015 than anyone I know… you wrote your entire trauma history from birth to present and worked through it without any massive breakdowns.  That is HUGE progress.

Whoa.  She helped me to adjust my whole paradigm and see the progress that I had made and encouraged me to give myself grace as I compared the past year with my plans for the upcoming year.  Man was I fed a dose of my own medicine (if you read my last post you know what I’m saying.  If not you can find it here).

Now that I see a bit more clearly, I find myself more motivated and a more grounded as I reassess my goals.  I realize that my discomfort is coming from the self-imposed harsh judgement of my accomplishments – or perceived lack-thereof in the last year.

As I sit here and finish this post, I am taking a deep breath and realizing that 2016 is most certainly a new chapter for which I definitely have great goals, AND 2015 was pretty stinkin successful too.  Ha, I almost got fully sucked into the shame game of New Years resolutions!  Good thing I have someone I can bounce this stuff off of and get solid advice from.

Do you find yourself judging your last year and launching into lofty goals for the new year?  Rather, do you get too overwhelmed and hide under the covers? (I do that sometimes too).  How do you cope with the pressure to be better, do more, accomplish, produce, do, do, do???  I guess I should read my last post again.  ***Shrug***

I’d love to hear what you think!

~H

Give Yourself Some Grace

As I was going about my business today, I was acutely aware of the Christmas trees strapped to the tops of cars, the scents of pine, vanilla, and cinnamon that wafted from store fronts, and the sight of families out together shopping in their Sunday best.  Christmas carols floated quietly out of speakers in every venue, and holiday movies flooded the networks with reminders of how magical this season is.  I also couldn’t help but notice my mood… it was foul!

There was quite a dissonance between what I was noticing externally, and what I was feeling internally.  Everything on the outside dictates that a person should feel joyous, warm, happy, loved, and in-love.  You wouldn’t think that the feelings of sadness, anxiety, loneliness, and exhaustion would even be on one’s radar in such a ‘happy’ season.  Unfortunately that was my reality today, and I am certain that many other people feel the same way during the holidays.

When I got home and started to frantically tackle the ‘to-do’ list, my mom stopped me, looked me in the eyes, and said “Give yourself some grace, and others too.”  As she wrapped me in a loving embrace, I could feel the tension in my shoulders melt a bit and I began to breathe fully for the first time since I woke up this morning.

She was right.  I needed to stop, take a moment to get grounded, and realize that the craziness wasn’t helping anyone or anything.  Her comment was such a great reminder that we as humans need to have grace for ourselves, and grace for those around us.  The pressures that we all face on a daily basis are amplified during the holidays and multiplied by the horror that is happening in our world, our countries, and in our communities.

I think it’s time that we give ourselves, and each other, a break.  We do a lot of rushing through life to accomplish things that don’t really matter in the long run.  I think it’s time that someone gives us permission to just breathe, just love, just sleep, just eat, just move, just anything other than stress.

That is why I am here today.  I want YOU to know that you have permission to just be.  We were made human beings, not human doings.  For the time being, know that you are off the hook.  I am giving you permission to do whatever is necessary to ground yourself in this moment.

The holidays are not about how many gifts you purchased, how perfectly they are wrapped, who liked what most, whether or not your baking got done, how many calories you are consuming, or how clean your house is.  Remember that there are people who can’t buy presents – or wrapping paper to decorate them with.  There are those who have no one to give presents to.  There are neighbors who don’t have a working stove to bake with, or the money for the baking supplies, let alone ingredients.  There are people in our midst that wish they had calories to count or are counting them compulsively, and others who wish they had houses to clean.  Things can always be better, but they can always be worse.

We need to remember that people need love. Period.  My day was a mess of to-do’s, stores, church, in the car, out of the car, and on and on.  The only thing that stopped me in my tracks and allowed me to relax was the love that my mom showed me.  It took her just a couple of seconds to turn my day on it’s head, and I’m so grateful for that.

Lets take a breather, remember what matters, and live in the moment. Lets count our blessings instead of our coupons, our friends instead of our enemies, our time with loved ones instead of our screen time, and our hopes instead of our fears.  Lets open doors for people, smile when we would rather frown, say please and thank you, and give a little extra grace to those around us this season.

Also, don’t forget to give yourself some grace.  What does that look like to you?  How can you give yourself a break?  How can you give someone else a breather?  Have you come up with ideas before that have worked in this area?

I’d love to hear what you have to say about this – we can all learn from each other and grow together.

Blessings,

~H

 

Is Good Enough, Enough?

When do you decide to just accept that life “is what it is”?

Lately I have been running around to quite a few specialists in the hopes of finding out why I’m in so much chronic pain. My days are full of doctors visits, tests of all kinds, therapy, dietetics, and medication management.  Before this, I was working to recover from Anorexia and PTSD along with depression and anxiety.  In the past year almost every system in my body has had an issue and I am tired.

As I was sitting in my therapist’s office yesterday, I finally came to the question “When do I just accept my reality? When am I crossing the line between seeking health and seeking perfection? When do I stop wishing that things were different?”  This brought up a good discussion because it addressed the balance between complacency and compulsive drive for perfection. 

I am, by nature, a very driven person. On the positive side, I am successful in most of my ventures and have a “glass can be refilled” mentality.  The tough side of being so driven is perfectionism and all that it entails – constantly looking to improve and be the best at everything I put my mind to.  The latter is exhausting, and it’s where I regularly reside.  My mom often points out “You have grace for everyone else but yourself”.  Now, it is not uncommon for people – especially women – to be hard on themselves. We all want to be the best that we can be. 

There is absolutely nothing wrong with striving for improvement and even excellence. I guess that the problem exists when the self-criticism rises to the level of self-abuse. When perfection is the only option, it is impossible to be both human AND successful. 

Grace is the name of the game I suppose, and trying to be perfect at not being perfect is a challenge in itself. 

I’m still on the journey, thanks for joining the ride. Do you experience this tug of war? Where do you fall on the spectrum between perfectionism and complacency? (Note: there is no bad answer)

~H

Because They Like You

Today on the radio, they were talking about the age old saying that is used when a little boy or girl picks on another little boy or girl. The scenario goes like this:

Through tiny tears and a downcast demeanor a little one says, “Mommy, Billy hurt me on the playground today.”

To which the mother replies, “Oh honey, he only does that because he  likes you. Don’t worry, it’s alright.”

The question on the radio was “Do you think this is sending the wrong message to our kids? Is it telling them that abuse is okay and a part of love, or is that going too far?”

Having been abused in the past and still trying to learn that abuse doesn’t equal love, I had a pretty strong gut reaction. The radio DJ offered their phone number so listeners could weigh in, and I called.

To my surprise, the DJ answered the phone on the second ring and asked me what I thought. 

Hey Lisa! I am just calling about the question regarding the little boys and girls. 

Sure! What do you think? 

Well, I think that by saying “You were hurt because someone likes you”, we are teaching them that it’s not only okay to hurt the people you love, but also that love hurts. On top of that, it is exactly opposite of how God loves us, so it causes confusion about what true love is.

Thanks, that is a great perspective! Have a great day!

Click

I answered honestly and felt good about it, and low and behold, the clip played on the air about 10 minutes later. 

She then played a clip from another woman that said we were taking it a bit far. I totally understand that there are varying degrees of concern over these types of nuances, but I stand by my response.
I didn’t realize that love wasn’t supposed to hurt until my late twenties. I can’t say that my misunderstanding was due to the playground antics of little boys, but that could very well have perpetuated the lessons that I was taught during the abuse I endured as a preschooler. 

What I am saying is that it can’t hurt to teach our kids how to treat other humans with dignity and respect.  We can teach them what real love looks like – respectful, loyal, playful, honest, true, and lasting.  I think we owe them that much.

– H

Feeling Guilty for Feeling Joy

Today, my aunt posted this on Facebook from a devotional she reads:

Today, we believe God wants you to know that …
it is more than okay to live your joy. Whatever makes your heart sing is what God wants for you! Of course it’s okay to be happy! Of course it’s okay to fulfill your heart’s deepest desires! What your soul most dearly and deeply desires is the very thing God wants for you.

This is so poignant to me lately.  When did we as a society decide that there is merit in suffering and thinking poorly about ourselves?  Or that experiencing joy is an occasion to feel guilty about? As if by doing so, we are more holy, righteous, or worthy?

I was hit with this thought a couple of weeks ago as I watched a documentary about the end of life with terminal cancer.  The woman being documented was diagnosed with stage four hepatic cancer and it took a while for her to get noticeably ill.  She was given 6 months, and by that mark, she wasn’t even showing signs other than being short of breath.  The struggle that she faced was feeling guilty for being well!!!  Isn’t that so true in our culture?  The rewards for heroism go to the people who suffer the most, not the person who decides to live with joy and wellness as long as they can.  Terminal anything is terrifying, and many times very painful for both the patient and for family and friends – I am not discounting that, or saying that their struggle isn’t every bit as real.  My point is that feeling guilty for being well, and heaven forbid actually feeling good, or great is ridiculous and unfounded.

The bible says that we are not to think more of ourselves than others – it also says that we are made in the image of God… that makes us AMAZING, and that makes others AMAZING!!!!  I would propose that it is not only okay, but actually necessary to celebrate our wellness and be excited about the great days and about our successes!  Think about it, how often do you ask someone “How are you?” and hear them say “I’m great!  Things are really going well and I am blessed!”??

We as a society have a propensity for finding and applauding the suffering of others.  Lets respect the struggle that each of us faces, giving credit, empathy, and sympathy to those who are really in the worst and darkest parts of their lives.  Lets ALSO feel free to celebrate our greatness, our God given abilities, and our God given identities! 

Whaddoya say?

❤ Haley