Because They Like You

Today on the radio, they were talking about the age old saying that is used when a little boy or girl picks on another little boy or girl. The scenario goes like this:

Through tiny tears and a downcast demeanor a little one says, “Mommy, Billy hurt me on the playground today.”

To which the mother replies, “Oh honey, he only does that because he  likes you. Don’t worry, it’s alright.”

The question on the radio was “Do you think this is sending the wrong message to our kids? Is it telling them that abuse is okay and a part of love, or is that going too far?”

Having been abused in the past and still trying to learn that abuse doesn’t equal love, I had a pretty strong gut reaction. The radio DJ offered their phone number so listeners could weigh in, and I called.

To my surprise, the DJ answered the phone on the second ring and asked me what I thought. 

Hey Lisa! I am just calling about the question regarding the little boys and girls. 

Sure! What do you think? 

Well, I think that by saying “You were hurt because someone likes you”, we are teaching them that it’s not only okay to hurt the people you love, but also that love hurts. On top of that, it is exactly opposite of how God loves us, so it causes confusion about what true love is.

Thanks, that is a great perspective! Have a great day!

Click

I answered honestly and felt good about it, and low and behold, the clip played on the air about 10 minutes later. 

She then played a clip from another woman that said we were taking it a bit far. I totally understand that there are varying degrees of concern over these types of nuances, but I stand by my response.
I didn’t realize that love wasn’t supposed to hurt until my late twenties. I can’t say that my misunderstanding was due to the playground antics of little boys, but that could very well have perpetuated the lessons that I was taught during the abuse I endured as a preschooler. 

What I am saying is that it can’t hurt to teach our kids how to treat other humans with dignity and respect.  We can teach them what real love looks like – respectful, loyal, playful, honest, true, and lasting.  I think we owe them that much.

– H

New Day, New Opportunity

Do you ever have a bunch of things happen that you don’t address, and then something triggers a major melt down? Yeah, me neither…

No, just kidding.  I had that last night – and my poor mom bore the brunt of the intensity.  She is one strong woman because I unloaded for about 2 hours, the last 15 minutes being toward her.  This morning, I feel like the drunk woman who makes big mistakes one night and then wakes up ashamed and alone.  Thank God my mom didn’t run away or ridicule me – I needed that strong, solid confidant – and she succeeded with flying colors.

Over the past two weeks, I have been inundated with events that affected me far deeper than I realized, and I generally ignored them.  Some of them were good and some were bad – but the amount of them were overwhelming. The other thing that exacerbated the situation was that I have PTSD which takes a normal overwhelming situation and supersizes it.

A brief synopsis – Two weeks ago was my one year anniversary of the last time I was suicidal.  Last week, a friend of the family died of alcoholism.  I also found out that I have a thyroid issue to add to the pre-diabetes that I shouldn’t have.  Yesterday was 9/11 and I was having flashbacks of that day 14 years ago.  This week is suicide awareness week, which reminds me of all of the people that have tragically died way before their time.  I was reminded this week of my progress in getting back to work – which wasn’t as far as I would have liked.  I have been plagued by flashbacks regarding the rape I endured last September, and grieved by the fact that the perpetrator went free – which grieved me because there are millions of people who have had the same result.  Last but definitely not least – everywhere I turn, I am reminded of my ex and the horrible things he did to me.

I don’t know why they all converged and came down on me last night, but they did, and I was reminded of my human-ness and my vulnerability.  I am not the best at accepting my inability to be super-woman, and I unnecessarily feel guilty for sharing my emotions, especially when they are not tidily wrapped up and garnished with a bow.

So, why am I sharing all of this??  I promised transparency when I started this blog, and this is an example of how messy our lives can get – and how normal that is.  It is also to show the struggles one faces when they have PTSD.  It is a misunderstood illness – a lot of people wonder why the emotions are so intense, why we can’t let go of the events of the past, and suggest that if we would just forgive that we can move on unscathed.  The reason these things happen is because the brain is actually re-wired and shaped according to the trauma.  It takes a lot of processing and repetition in order to rewire the brain, and that takes time.

I want others to know that PTSD isn’t a life sentence, but that they are not alone in the experiencing of mood swings, flashbacks, nightmares, and hyper-vigilance.  I also want people that don’t have PTSD to understand that we are doing the best we can, and while we are 100% responsible for our actions and reactions, we sometimes cannot avoid the reactions that are more intense than the given situation requires.

I love the quote that says “Be kind, for every person is fighting an unseen battle.”  One thing my mom did last night that was paramount was that she listened and said “I am sorry you are struggling and hurting so much.”  That’s all I needed – a sounding board and validation.

I was still crying when I went to bed, but at that point I remembered to surrender it to God and to sleep.  Today I feel a bit better, though I felt the need to apologize for my melt-down albeit unnecessary.

New day, New opportunity.

~H

Brave Human Monday: Self Portrait

It’s Monday everyone! You know what that means… BRAVE HUMAN MONDAY!!

Up until today, I have showcased my incredible brother-in-law Todd who had a spinal tumor removed in February, was diagnosed partial quadriplegic, and is now walking without much assistance at all;  my amazing cousin Logan who lived an unparalleled life, battled brain cancer and met the Lord in June; and my fabulous aunt Ann who is a force of nature that all women can look up to.

When I started choosing different Mondays to showcase the brave people in my life, I never thought I would do one about myself; however, a few different circumstances are prompting me to do so.  First of all, September 1st marks the first day of Suicide Prevention Month.  As a mental health advocate, this is very important to me.  I always try to do something to commemorate it, to educate the public about the dangers of untreated mental illness, and to highlight the reality of suicide.  Another contributing factor is that I recently had a conversation with a friend who told me how brave she thought I was for fighting the mental illness and refusing to let up until I got to my life worth living.  It made me think:

Gosh, if a brave person is someone who meets or faces something courageously with the intent to defy, challenge, or dare… and I have done all of that in my journey toward wellness… then YES, I guess I am brave!

In our society, it is deemed ‘conceited’ or ‘self-centered’ when we celebrate our strengths as women.  I want to defy, challenge, and dare to change that mindset!  I am proud of me! I am telling my story – and that is OKAY!!  Humility doesn’t mean hating yourself or putting yourself down, it means realizing that you are a human just like everyone else – not better or worse – just different.

This picture has helped me to realize that my strength comes from the realization that I am an incredibly resourceful, creative, beautiful human being, and so are millions of others who have faced mental illness.

The thing that really tipped me toward writing this, is that I hit a major milestone in my journey last week.  Before I tell you what that was, let me start by telling you the events that lead up to said milestone.

In 2009, I had been living in an abusive marriage, working FAR too much, starving myself, and working out compulsively.  I was undiagnosed as someone with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and was untreated for depression, anxiety, or anorexia.  One morning in June, I had had enough with the abuse in my relationship and I stood up – loudly.  I had never stood up to him before, so it shocked him, and apparently shocked my system as well.  I ended up in the hospital for multiple mental health issues – my mind literally broke.  I ended up in treatment for anorexia and began my fight toward a life worth living.  As I gained weight, my significant other got more distant, and finally left me in 2010.  At that time, I was devastated, but like a phoenix, I decided to rise from the ashes.  I finished my bachelors degree, got into recovery from the eating disorder, wrote and published a book, and am now working on my memoir.  I came to terms with the illnesses that the medical field gave me – well kind of – not really.

In 2014, I had done 4 years of dialectical behavior therapy, had weekly dietician appointments, knew most therapies well enough to teach them, and I was still miserable.  The suicidal thoughts increased over the years and by July, I was suicidal daily.  I felt like the mental torment was a life sentence and I just didn’t know if I had the strength to face the nightmares, flashbacks, mood-swings, suicidal thinking, and eating disorder thoughts any longer.  At that point, I decided to make a move.  I looked into trauma treatment options for someone with my limited insurance, and after many long phone calls with insurance and treatment centers, I found one.

On August 4th of 2014, I got on a plane to Dallas and was admitted to the trauma unit at Timberlawn Mental Health Services.  I spent 21 very hard days of introspection, talking about my past by recognizing and naming abuse for what it was, and participating in really difficult therapies.  I was discharged on August 26th, and that was also the last day that I ever wanted to commit suicide.

This last week was the one year anniversary of the my last suicidal thought!!

I am brave.  I was faced with many situations where I could have given up, but with each blow, I rose up and created something new.  I tell this story in order to illustrate that it is possible to find a happy, meaningful, deeply fulfilling life after being suicidal.  Ending one’s life can seem to be the only way out, but that is absolutely not true.  There is ALWAYS another choice, and as my dad used to say, “Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.”  The pain is real, and the struggle is exhausting, but where there is a will to live, there is a way to learn how to live fully.

It is not just I that is brave, it is every single human who has ever had to face the temptation to end their own life.  It is every person who has gotten up in the morning and decided to put one foot in front of the other against all other instincts.  Brave is the human who meets adversity with a will to win, or at least to fight another day.

I am so blessed to be able to represent those who have a hard time representing themselves.  God gave me a purpose – and I’m determined to live it out as long as He sees fit.

~H

PS:  If you or someone you know are struggling with a mental illness and/or with suicidal thoughts – PLEASE GET HELP!  The number to the suicide hotline is below – calling to talk has never hurt anyone, but not calling could cost a life.

Riding the Waves

I saw a meme today that said “My depression comes in waves.”  I couldn’t help but relate with this, especially recently.  I’ve mentioned before that I am working through my trauma story and that involves writing it and sharing it with my therapist. This is HARD stuff, though sometimes I don’t give myself credit for the work I am putting in.  I want to heal from my past, learn whatever lessons God has for me, and move on.  I don’t want this stuff to plague all of my relationships and decisions for the rest of my life, so I press on even when it is exhausting, frightening, and heartbreaking.  Unfortunately some of the side effects of this process include waves of depression, anxiety, and intermittent flashbacks and nightmares.

In the last week or so, I have been having a hard time answering texts and phone calls, I’ve had little to no appetite, I’m tired a lot, and just want to be home under my blanket.  I have missed church and prayer group (very abnormal for me), and am having a hard time keeping appointments.  It wasn’t until last night that I realized that I am in a wave of depression… while obvious to others, sometimes I’m the last to find out. 🙂

I did happen to make it out to meet one of my best friends during her lunch break today.  We normally walk around a lake or go to the gym when we meet, but as I drove to her workplace, I got really dizzy – not the optimal workout condition.  I knew that I needed food and fluid, and realized that my lack of appetite lately probably contributed to the fatigue.  When she got into my car, I explained the dizzy feeling and offered to just sit and chat at the lake or go somewhere for lunch.  This was a BIG win for me.  Not only did I keep our date, but I also advocated for my physical needs.  It turned out that she was having a bad day too so we got to pray, cry, and support each other.  We only spent about 15 minutes together, but we both walked away feeling empowered and strong enough to face the rest of the day.

I have found over the last 9 months how important it is to have friends who build you up, remind you of how amazing you are, love you beyond your flaws, and allow you to love on them as well.  I am so grateful for these ladies, they are an answer to prayer and I know that they love me as much as I love them.

Am I still in a wave of depression?  Yes.

Is it okay to feel sad about the things I have endured in my life?  Yes.

Do I feel like I can rise out of it by using the skills I have honed over the years?  Yes.

Human beings are complex, way more intricate than we could every imagine – we will never completely understand others, let alone our own selves.  I guess it is a lesson in acceptance and contentment.  I have found that I can give myself permission to experience the emotions AND look forward to my life worth living.  My first youth group leader said “Be content but never satisfied.”  I can be happy with what I have now, AND aspire toward greater things.

Just as depression, these epiphanies come in waves as well, and many times I have to learn the same thing 15 times before I really get it to stick.  I always feel a bit better, however, when I reach out beyond myself and allow the people around me to support me, just as I support them in their times of need.

I thank God that I am loved and that I love, that I have emotions and the ability to rise above past trauma, and that I have the empathy that is needed to help others in these tough situations.  We all have unique abilities and characteristics… what are yours?

~H

Winning Lottery Numbers in Mental Health

Today I was visiting a friend in a psychiatric unit and we got into a very important discussion.  We talked about the sensitivity that one experiences after actually experiencing a mental illness.  Sensitivity to other’s words, sensitivity to how we may come off to other people, sensitivity to possible triggers and even relapse.

I am a recovered anorexic and she is on the road to recovery from biopolar depression.  We commiserated that we both have dealt with other people saying “Oh my gosh, she looks so _________ (bipolar, anorexic, etc.)”  We both looked at each other and said “Please tell me what bipolar looks like…”  It never ceases to amaze me how insensitive we can be to other’s circumstances, especially when the problem is fresh and recovery has not yet been attained.  Other examples of this are saying “People who are on assistance are lazy, they are the reason our country is in trouble.”  Well if you are saying this in front of someone who cannot hold a job due to mental or physical illness, and they are not in the minority of people who abuse the system, it causes shame and condemnation.

I struggled with these things when I was early in my recovery and they always threw me off and caused a bit of anger.  I finally got sick of it and wrote a book about eating disorders.  I was tired of people saying “You don’t look anorexic” or “I totally get it, my sister almost died, I could put one hand around her calf.”  Out of the writing and researching for that book, my passion for mental health reform was born.  You cannot tell a person’s disorder by their appearance, I don’t care what disease it is, you don’t know – as a matter of fact, sometimes the doctors (you know, those people who went to 8+ years of school) don’t know what is going on.

I am not under any illusion that people will all of the sudden be able to understand and check their words before they spit them out of their mouths, however, if no one stands up and says something, nothing will change.  If nothing changes, struggling people will go without adequate treatment, and the homeless and prison populations will continue to rise.

You probably know by now that I don’t pose a problem without also posing possible solutions.  So, how do we start to change the mentality about mental illness in our country and beyond?

1. We stand up for truth when we don’t allow derogatory words to be used around us, and especially by us.  (ie: retarded, crazy, nuts, or misappropriating any diagnosis).
2. We make a difference when we grow in our knowledge and increase our empathy for the people struggling with mental illness.
3. We help the problem when we support the families and friends of the mentally ill with validation, encouragement, and educational resources.
4. Above all, we make a difference when we put ourselves in their shoes instead of judging from our own.  No one WANTS to have a disease of the mind, no one TRIES to be sick, and NO ONE ASKED FOR THEIR SITUATION.  There is more going on than others can possibly imagine.

Lets stand up and change the culture so that changing the system will no longer be a pipe dream.  Lets be sensitive to our speech and our attitudes about everyone on this earth.  Everyone is battling something, so be kind.  Do toward others that you would want done to you.  Don’t let your hurt wound someone else.  Lets look inward, clean up our lives before we try to ‘fix’ or ‘condemn’ others.  We need to focus on the log in our own eye before we point out the speck in someone elses.

Compassion, Empathy, Truth, and Love… those are the winning lottery numbers in this situation… are you up for the challenge??

~H