The Resolution Trap

Last week I went to Kansas City for one of my family Christmases and it was a great time.  Of course it was not void of the normal family drama, but what is a family get together without a little spice, right?  The great thing about going to Kansas City for me is that I get 7 hours in the car, which for some sounds like torture, but for me, it’s bliss.  I get a lot of time to listen to whatever I want, sing, and think.  This trip, I was pondering the passing 2015 and the upcoming 2016.

As I thought of 2015, I was underwhelmed.  I felt like I was complacent, undisciplined, and generally unproductive.  Whomp Whomp.  I guess this pessimistic attitude is what kicked me in the rear and inspired me to make real goals for this next year.  I started to think of the things that I wanted to accomplish, in my health, business, writing, relationships, lifestyle, etc.  HOLY OVERWHELMING BATMAN!!!  So, when I got home, I printed out some worksheets and started to sort it all out, then prioritize the goals from short term to long term and everything in between.

Yesterday I went to therapy (I assert that everyone should see a therapist at some point in their life whether or not they have a mental illness, but that is another post completely) and I told her about my renewed motivation and my lists of goals and plans for 2016.  She was excited for me, but knowing who I am, she asked what happens if it doesn’t go exactly to plan… I kind of froze and said… “Um, not sure.”  So we chatted a bit about the rigidity of my goals and then she threw a whammy at me:

You talk like 2015 was a bust… you accomplished more in 2015 than anyone I know… you wrote your entire trauma history from birth to present and worked through it without any massive breakdowns.  That is HUGE progress.

Whoa.  She helped me to adjust my whole paradigm and see the progress that I had made and encouraged me to give myself grace as I compared the past year with my plans for the upcoming year.  Man was I fed a dose of my own medicine (if you read my last post you know what I’m saying.  If not you can find it here).

Now that I see a bit more clearly, I find myself more motivated and a more grounded as I reassess my goals.  I realize that my discomfort is coming from the self-imposed harsh judgement of my accomplishments – or perceived lack-thereof in the last year.

As I sit here and finish this post, I am taking a deep breath and realizing that 2016 is most certainly a new chapter for which I definitely have great goals, AND 2015 was pretty stinkin successful too.  Ha, I almost got fully sucked into the shame game of New Years resolutions!  Good thing I have someone I can bounce this stuff off of and get solid advice from.

Do you find yourself judging your last year and launching into lofty goals for the new year?  Rather, do you get too overwhelmed and hide under the covers? (I do that sometimes too).  How do you cope with the pressure to be better, do more, accomplish, produce, do, do, do???  I guess I should read my last post again.  ***Shrug***

I’d love to hear what you think!

~H

Hope for Trauma Survivors

So, I have been doing really well since last Halloween.  Believe it or not, I was healed from most of my mental illnesses at a prayer gathering.  It was really an incredible and unbelievable experience, and the proof has been in the pudding.  It’s been about 9 months and I am doing great regarding deep depression, crippling general anxiety, identity issues, eating disorder behaviors, and suicidal thoughts.

As with all things on earth, things cannot (by definition) be perfect.  There is one area that I still struggle with, and that is the PTSD caused by multiple traumas that began at age 4.  Thank God that I went through 5 years of DBT, because I am definitely using the distress tolerance skills regularly as I delve into the memories and experiences with my therapist.  I don’t feel like my healing was incomplete, I recognize that we are given different challenges in life to strengthen us and require us to lean on something bigger than ourselves.  I also know that my story will help others to heal and see the light at the end of their respective tunnels.

Going through years of trauma with my therapist is gut-wrenching and exhausting – not just in her office, but the days between appointments.  I am constantly reminding myself that memories are not current events, and that nightmares are just unresolved fears from the day.  I used to get so caught up inside my head that it all but drowned me.  Now I am able to use my skills and lean on the promises of God to get me through, sometimes one minute at a time. (Please forgive me if I sound really ‘Pollyanna’.  I’m not saying it’s easy with God’s help, I am just saying I have hope now.)

All of the work will be worth it in the end, when I am able to have a bad memory, recognize it as such, and move on.  Actually, I was lamenting to my mom the other day, “Why can’t I just have a memory and move on?? Why is it such a big deal?”.  I asked my therapist that same question and she referred me to Bessel van der Kolk.  He is a research psychiatrist that has found that trauma lives in the body, and that childhood trauma actually changes the structures in the brain as the child develops.  In the brain of a child who has been repeatedly abused or neglected, the brain is literally wired for fear so that the child is always looking out for danger and is prepared to fight or flee.

THIS MADE SO MUCH SENSE!

As a research psychology major, I really learned the value of sound psychological research and all that goes with it.  When I watched one of Bessel’s YouTube videos, I felt so validated.  I knew that what I was experiencing is real and that there are ways to overcome it… and “getting over it” is not one of those ways.

Now armed with these pieces of information, I have the confidence and assurance that I can not only do things to get the trauma out of my body, but I can also rewire my brain to experience pleasure, peace, and security more regularly than fear.

We are such amazing creatures, not only are our bodies intricate and incredible, our minds are malleable, adaptable, and responsive to seemingly invisible stimuli and subtle environmental changes.  Our brains can also be reprogrammed and healed from life long fear and disease.  Accident?  I think not.  I am truly amazed and so grateful.

Thank you for going on this journey with me.  As always, I promise to be transparent and honest because I believe that we are only as sick as our secrets, and the stigma surrounding mental health will continue to stand if we stay silent.

This is my story, this is my truth, and I am honored to share it with you.

~H